Monday, February 25, 2013

Half-Baked Movie Ideas: The Right to Bear Arms

Now I know the Second Amendment has been a hot-button issue lately, so I've got a great new idea for a movie... bear with me on this one.

Jim Ursus is a hotshot cop on the rise in the FBI.  He's working a case on the heels of some illegal arms dealers.  He's tracked them do a distribution center located high in the Rocky Mountains where he's doing surveillance.  Representatives from a Miami drug cartel are there to broker a deal for some high-powered automatic rifles.  Jim witnesses a cartel member testing the guns out on some of the local wildlife.  It tears a grizzly bear apart.

Outraged, Jim lets out a muffled groan.  In an instant he's sealed his fate; the gun runners heard him.  Jim calls for backup but they're too far out.  Before they can assist him, the head Cartel member gets his hands on Agent Ursus.  In a Robocop-level display of graphic violence, the Cartel member shoots round after round into Jim's upper limbs as he writhes in pain.  "Let that be a lesson to your Feds, chico.  You can't lay a finger on us", quips the Miami drug enforcer.

Backup finally arrives all too late.  Jim's near death, nothing left of his arms but ground beef.  Something drastic needs to be done to save his life.  "Too much blood loss, we have to act NOW"  shouts an FBI doctor.  Desperate for a solution, the doctor surveys the scene.  He eventually lays eyes on the slaughtered grizzly bear, "God help us, this might just work."

Waking from the trauma, Agent Ursus is groggy.  He reaches for a glass of water and knocks it clumsily to the ground, only to discover...


Oh, just think of the puns you could make with this grizzled veteran as he hunts for revenge against illegal arms dealers/drug cartels.

Tell me this wouldn't be an amazingly great bad movie.  It has everything:  it's topical, it'll have great action scenes, exotic locales, a guy with bear arms, either a nurse/veterinarian/wildlife preservationist love interest, we'll try to throw Steven Seagal in there somewhere.  It would run at 3:00am on crappy cable channels FOREVER.  

I'll be waiting for your calls studio execs.