So now at a friend's behest
I share with you a lifelong quest
The object of childhood's desire
A rock, e'er-glowing with bright green fire
Spoils of the victor for athletic feat
A challenge never called to meet
A final test for the show's finale
With Moira Quirk and Mike O'Malley
A burst of glitter, flashing lightsNote arrival to those hallowed heights
No chance to peak if you're a klutz
Of this be sure... that kid's got GUTS
D-D-D-Do you have it?
I wish I had. When I was a kid, there was no greater test of athletic skill than Nickelodeon's GUTS. Forget the Olympics, the World Series, the Super Bowl... my sports heroes were the kids who scaled the Aggro Crag. Oh, the horrors they faced on that mountain. Look at this madness:
The ultimate prize for these champions?
A piece of the very mountain they conquered.
Sadly I never made it on the show. My first of life's many disappointments. For years after the show was cancelled, I tried to put the Aggro Crag out of my mind. Slowly it crept its way back in. Thus began my search. My grail quest for a piece of the Aggro Crag.
At first, mixed reports came in about the very existence of the trophy. People claiming to have been contestants said they hoisted that glorious green rock on the stage, but only took home a medal. Balderdash, I thought. Surely Nickelodeon wouldn't deny these warriors their spoils. As time went on, the reports stayed the same. Could this really be? There were only 126 winners on the show... maybe they just swore a pact of secrecy to protect their valuable treasure.
I began to lose hope. Occasionally I would find cheap reproductions on the interwebs. Shoddy workmanship could never be confused with the true Aggro Crag. My mind began to unravel. Did I imagine the whole thing? Was GUTS ever even a show in the first place?
After my stay in the institution, I got back to a normal life. I won a silver medal in the 2006 Winter Olympics for the biathlon in Turin, Italy... but it was hollow. It was no substitute for true athletic achievement. It could not fill the void left by that mysterious green rock.
I turned to drugs. Freebasing rock chips of Olmec's face from Legends of the Hidden Temple, and snorting powdered slime from the Double Dare set. I turned to a life of blogging...
Things looked bleak.
Then, a mere four weeks ago I came across this article 'How Much Can You Buy a Piece of the Aggro Crag from Nickelodeon's "GUTS" For?' Despite the poorly phrased title, I clicked and read the article.
My lifelong suspicions were confirmed. The piece of the Aggro Crag did exist. And it only cost $1500! A bargain. Sadly I missed out on the bidding.
But hope has finally been restored. If this fool could sell this most cherished of possessions, surely another will make the same mistake. And when they do, I'll be there.
By the (now) bald scalp of Mike O'Malley I'll be there.